Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding by William R. Miller

Author:William R. Miller [Miller, William R.]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9781532634857
Publisher: Wipf & Stock, an Imprint of Wipf and Stock Publishers
Published: 2018-03-24T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 13

Empathic Understanding in Close Relationships

Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving. Love is primarily giving, not receiving. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

—Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

Listening well and, more generally, communicating well is one of the most important foundations for enduring friendship and intimate relationship. Empathic listening communicates interest in and caring for the other’s life experience. The same skills described in prior chapters are all the more applicable in close relationships. It doesn’t matter if both people are aware of using these particular skills. In fact it is a kindness to do so, and ideally you both do it for the other person, yourself, and your relationship. It is best when both (or all) people in a relationship understand what quality listening involves, learning and practicing together. Over time such listening can become second nature so that you’re not even aware of “doing something.” It becomes a way of being together.

Listening well is an investment in the quality of a relationship. Consider how empathic listening skills might contribute to healthy relationship between people who live together. Like anything else worth doing, listening well takes time. Some people intentionally set aside special time, like a date or an appointment, for the primary purpose of listening well to each other. Some have family conversations at the dinner table, turning off music or TV and silencing phones or other devices. For people who are most alert in the morning, it might be at the breakfast table, but this may not be the best time for evening people who function better at night. In any event, the more life becomes noisy and busy, the more important it is to have designated times for listening well.

Turn-taking is one simple approach. One person at a time takes a turn to talk, perhaps for a pre-agreed length of time. This does not mean that the other(s) must remain silent, although that is one option. As described earlier, reflective listening is an interactive process that can be practiced when someone is talking. The Listener(s) would refrain from roadblocks (chapter 5), with a primary goal of understanding the Speaker’s experience. Reflective listening statements and occasional questions can help with this. Alternatively the Speaker might talk without interruption, followed by time for the Listener(s) to respond with what they understood of the person’s experience, again avoiding roadblocks.

Here is an example of a Listener trying to practice accurate empathy while a Speaker talks. The Listener and Speaker happen to be brothers, sitting down together after a day at work.

Listener: How was your day today? (Open question)

Speaker: OK, I guess. The day just seemed to drag by.

L: A pretty slow day. (Simple reflection)

S: Not really. It was busy, but I was watching the clock and sometimes it seemed like the hands hardly moved.

L: Like waiting for water to boil. (Analogy)

S: Yes! I couldn’t wait for the day to be over.

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